Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
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I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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