Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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