They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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