So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
