Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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