call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
