well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
