You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
