aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
