Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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