Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
