Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
