I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
