You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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