thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
