Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
