she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
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Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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