I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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