so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
