hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
