If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
worst night to have a conscience
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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