I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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