No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
