You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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