i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
