did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Randomize
