Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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