i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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