Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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