i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
