I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
