ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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