I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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