why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
