I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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