He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
