Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
