in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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