Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.