I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
