This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
