In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My vagina is very pro this idea
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
