Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
