I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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