So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
