I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
COCAINE IS GR8
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
