Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
