I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
