That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
