I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
