i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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