you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
