She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
