I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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