my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
