Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
