i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
