The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
