i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
