Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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